look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
These tits shall not be calmed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
