Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
