i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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