I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
