and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
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You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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