I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
