My sheets look like a crime scene.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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