Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
