kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
