Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up