Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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