hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
