if i can run in heels then i can drive
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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