I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In other news, I just burned my penis
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
