New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I seem to have left my pride at pride
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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