Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
