Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
