Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
