I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
