So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
