I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ladies don't puke and tell
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
