I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
