Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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