She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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