I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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