Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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