i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
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I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
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It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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