JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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