i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
