Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
