i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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