Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
