he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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