New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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