thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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