Betty ford says i'm here all night
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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