If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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