census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
