Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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