i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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