They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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