I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
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I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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