Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
