I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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