My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
two words: eviction party
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
