well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
