dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
