Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
