im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
