She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
