Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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