george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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