stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The best revenge is premature balding
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
