At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
